Monday, November 28, 2016

alone

I had a break down yesterday. It was my own fault. It involves drama with me sending a drunken text to my ex boyfriend of 6 months. Should not have done that. I have erased his contact info so I wont do that anymore. His friend said I was DEAD to him. That really hurt. It must be true though.

I broke up with him. We were bad for each other and he was abusive. But he was my best friend for 18 months. And a rebound after an 8 year marriage ended. Its been so so hard to lose my person. He completely cut me off - which I suspect was really healthy for both of us. Its just undeniably hard for me.

So now I've been single for 6 months. The longest since I was 13. This might be healthy for me too. I just don't know how to deal with life without a person. When I went to a new therapist today they asked me for an emergency contact. I had no one to put down. My family all live states away. My best friend lives states away. My ex husband has said he doesn't want me asking for his help any longer.

I am completely and utterly alone. All alone. No one to tell the funny shit I see everyday. No one to watch stuff with. No one to talk about the universe with. Just me.

And it sucks. It sucks giant donkey balls.

I even reached out on facebook for support. Of course I got "I love yous" and "don't feel sads." The only people actually willing to step up and help me also want to date me and I am not sure I am ready for that right now. I just cannot open myself up to anyone I don't feel "sparks" with. I know that might be kinda mean but its true. I want "sparks." It seems like its a lot to ask now that I am 32. 

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