Wednesday, September 02, 2015

What is living with borderline personality disorder like?

That is a very good question.

Well for me,

 Sometimes it is screaming and crying and hating everyone and everything. Sometimes it is being lost in a sea of dementors that no one can see but me. Sometimes it means telling my whole life story to complete strangers to force intimacy upon them hoping they will become friends. Sometimes it means hiding in a small space and crying because I feel I have no one and no where in the world to belong. Sometimes it means not knowing who I am. Sometimes it means running from everyone and everything because I can't take anything. Sometimes it is staying up all night and starting to smoke at the age of 31 because why the hell not? Sometimes it is missing my old life because it was so much better. Sometimes it means there feels like there will never be a future for me. Sometimes it means giving up my goals and plans.

Sometimes it means hyper unreasonable happiness. Sometimes it means being weird and doing things no one understands. Sometimes it means kicking ass at school. Sometimes it means being super mom and doing so many things at once that other people don't understand how I do it. Sometimes its being so up that no one and nothing can bring me down. Sometimes it means loving everyone and everything that ever existed ever.

Sometimes it means having a good day but say one little negative thing to me and it brings my world crashing down and everything is black again. Lately, it means not talking to my friends because I am trying to heal and I don't know how. Sometimes it means trying another godamn therapist after therapist and still not getting any better.

Living with borderline means so many things, I can't keep them all in my head at once. Sometimes I feel crazy and I hate it. 

No comments: