Monday, August 24, 2015

Well, its been a year now

It has been a year now since my husband ended our relationship. I am so completely different and so completely changed. And yet I am me. I am still me. I no longer vlog or blog or feel the need to share my everyday with the internet. I miss it though. The sharing of my self.

I am still deeply hurt by his absence. By how I am almost nothing to him. He promised me the day that he ended it that we would always be friends. We are not friends. We are civil. We get along. But I cannot say that we are or ever will be again what I would consider to be friends.

It is funny that I still have this deep wound caused by this man I spent all of my twenties with. It is funny because I have a new man. A funny one. A hot one. He is mine and I am his and we don't know what the future will hold but at least we have each other. Where the first one was like a mountain I forced myself to climb this new one is like a perfectly made glove. He suits me in every way. He fits perfectly as the big spoon. Sometimes I am his jet-pack and it also comforts me so. He gives the best hugs and has the best voice I've ever heard.

The divorce was finalized July 22. I cried so much. Yet I am relieved it is over. The kids are doing better with two homes now. I think that because of my BPD, we would never have been a whole happy home.

Speaking of Borderline Personality Disorder, I still have not found the perfect help. The last therapist I tried was much too passive for what I need. It is as if I need someone to smack me across the face to get my attention and tell me the things I need to do to not alienate everyone who loves me. I do not see myself doing it as it happens, it is only after the conflict when I am filled with regret I see my disorder come out of me.

So many people love me. And I am so very grateful for that love. My mom, my brother, my kids, my animals, my boyfriend. As awful and horrific as the ending of Kevaleta has been - so much good has come out of it as well. So I can't completely hate it. Even though it cuts me open every morning when I realize this is my real life. And I am not where I expected I would be at 31.

I will be okay. And we are a real family still. Just a split one.  Thank you for caring. xoxoxox

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