Monday, July 06, 2015

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Thoughout the last ten years or so I have seen many therapists. I was always diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I believed them. After the last three babies they said it was Post-Partum Depression.

I tried all kinds of anti-depressents and tried talk therapy. I never got better. I still was unhappy. I blew up at my friends and family. I was violent. I was angry. I contantly thought everyone was either on my side or not. I have had a hard time keeping friends. Mostly, I have felt extremely alone and very very sad.

After I moved out of my almost-ex-husband's house in October, a friend suggested that I find a therapist with a PHD. Who was an actual doctor. Not just a licensed therapist - which is what I had only ever seen previously because that was what my insurance covered. I found one and she was pretty great.

After a few months she finally told me something that makes perfect sense. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. The diagnosis honestly hit me like a ton of bricks. First of all, everything I read about the disorder is completely me. I am actually - kind of crazy. I never knew. I have been this way as long as I can remember. As a teenager especially. I even reached out for help back then but my counselor said I was just depressed.

Currently I am trying to find a new therapist because mine went to work at a hospital.  She has honestly helped more in the short time that I saw her then any therapist before. I am dealing with insurance and I am really hoping they will cover someone who can actually help me. I am on a waiting list for a Dialectical behavior therapy program in Seattle. It is a 3 month wait. However, insurance will not cover the program and it will cost $200 a week. I am now a single mom on a limited income and I am not sure I can afford it.

I am still unhappy. I am still feeling sad. I cry a lot. I am on new meds. I am trying to get help. I decided to take the summer of off school to try and get help. Finding help seems really difficult. I am super grateful I now have a diagnosis that makes sense. I have discovered who my real friends are. I have my mom back again. She says I always had her. I cried when she said that.

Anyway, there are the guts of what I have been doing the last few months. 

No comments: