Thursday, September 25, 2014

Divorce

I wipe the fairy white quartz counters that it took us ages to agree on. The ones I had my heart set on. I realize there is no longer an "us." The counters I thought were completely mine. They will now be staying in his house. The counters in my new house are grey and not as pretty.

I hear the kids laughing and playing together joyfully, hoping I will continue to sometimes hear that sound once we've told them. Once we've shattered everything they know in life. Siblings and children are for life - even if a marriage is not.

Tears stream down my face for the tenth time today. I wonder how my life turned into this. Where did I go so wrong? Why did I not see it coming?

Husbandface, my husbandface is divorcing me. How long can I call him husbandface? Until the day we are officially divorced? He told me to call him by his name. I am starting to really hate his name.

I have moved into the office of our dream home. My choice - he offered to move out of our bedroom first. I hate his bed so I chose a couch. My back does not like this decision I have made.

My mind goes back to every move or word I have made in the past nine years to wonder which moves or words have ruined my whole life. My husbandface, whom I thought would always be there for me - is not. He is not mine. He is his own. He has chosen a single life rather then a life shared with erratic Valeta moods. As angry and hurt and devastated as I am I cannot blame him. My moods have never been constant. My heart is shattered.

Depression is once again my only friend. He takes me in his arms and cackles as I am surrounded by dark storm clouds.

Do not worry my dear internets, I am taking care of Valeta. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have real friends too. Spending time with me and making me laugh. And as always I have my tiny loves.

Tiny loves I feel I have let down. This is real life though and as always I am trying my best. 

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