Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Depression of this Summer

Yesterday Robin Williams hung himself. A man who brought so much laughter to our planet. It has caused what seems like the entire internet to cry. It has made me cry. I can't imagine what his family might be going through, and in the spotlight. If he can't get through depression, what chance do I have?

It really really has made me think. Think about depression. About what he might have been going through. About what I am going through. We are all going through something. Some of us just cannot deal with it as well as others. 

I haven't really blogged all summer because this summer has been absolute shit. I did some stupid stuff and I lost friends. I am often socially awkward and just say the wrong damn thing. It happens all the time. I am a very honest person but I do tend to exaggerate everything. Then other friends decided to drift away as well. Then the person who I really thought I could trust flat out lied to me and expected me to be happy about the thing she lied about. I felt betrayed. She has apologized but I do not trust a word she says. How could I? She is a damn liar. 

The day I turned 30 none of the people that I thought were my best friends called or texted me. My mother did not call me. My grandmother did not call me. Why did I not call them? What kind of asshole calls people just to be told happy birthday? I was trying not to be an egocentric asshole. But I was so alone. I thought of all the ways I could kill myself. I imagined slicing my wrists in my bathtub. I imagined taking a bunch of pills during the baby's naptime. I imagined hanging myself off the balcony. I wondered what my body would look like dead. But then one of my three children who are at home would come up and hug me. 

I could never do that to them. As much as I hate myself and don't understand why I am on this earth - they need me. I suppose I am on this earth for them. And for this I am extremely thankful. When I posted a thank you on facebook to the one person who did call me, my ex was so mean to me. What the hell did I do to make everyone hate me and people be mean to me on my own birthday? Does anyone really deserve that? I don't think so. 

Anyway, I did end up having a good birthday weekend and making a really good friend. For those two days I was happy. 

Then this whole Robin Williams thing happens and I am torn up again. For his family and every one. I am so angry that depression exists. I am so angry for him. I am so angry for me and my children. The one thing I would tell people is to please be kind to other people - you never know what is going on behind their eyes. 

Fuck depression.

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