Monday, April 02, 2012

little moments....trying to hold on

My Lily walks over and puts a little mermaid sticker on my laptop. I grin at her. Ariel is my favorite Disney princess.

Gamma comes downstairs and apologizes for hitting me in the face on accident with his buzz lightyear toy.

Eric sends me emails of the latest video he has created.

I love my babes.

  I'm still here. I am still struggling as a stay-at-home Mom. It seems like everyone has some piece of advice for "what" I need to be happy. Whatever "happy" is. I thought Life would be different in Washington. Life will never be different. Life just is what it is. I thought I'd make friends who would want to see me on a daily basis. I have made some friends. But they all have busy lives of their own. I do not see anyone, not even on a weekly basis.  I am in a playgroup but most of the activities in it don't work for me. It (basically) rains every day here in the Winter and Spring. So I spend a lot of time at home. I spent more time out of the house in California because of the awesome weather. So many times I want to slap my old self for complaining about it there.

   I love my home. I do not love the arguments and comments I get from my husband if there are any messes in it when he gets home. I was not raised in a clean home. I am dis-organized no matter how hard I try to organize everything. I just did Lily's closet today. Which I am still exhausted from cleaning out and I need to make dinner. I am sure it will be a mess again in a week. So being home is stressful to me. I have anxiety and worry about every little thing the kids do. I do not think my husband understands that, so maybe I should tell him sometime. I have anxiety right now because I came downstairs with my laptop to plug it in. I should have plugged it in upstairs so I can make sure the kids do not mess anything up. Sometimes this frustrates me. How can I live like this? Stressed out everyday that the kids will make a mess? They are kids! Kids are messy!

   I often feel I have no one to talk to because when I do talk to my friends they usually just want to "fix" me. I do not want that. I am not broken. I am just lonely.  Most of the time I just want to socialize. I just want to know I am not alone in the world. Sure I have my husband. I have my kids. Kids are hard work. My husband is hardly ever home and when he is, he is tired from work and wants to just veg out in front of the T.V.

  Well now I need to go make dinner and finish the laundry. Laundry is the only chore I like. Heh. Thanks for listening (reading?)


Mrs. Parker said...

I definitely understand where you are coming from on this issue. When I was home all I did was stress. I was overwhelmed and frustrated with managing all of the intricacies of being a SAHM. I ended up developing horrible anxiety to the point I would lie in bed at night thinking about all I needed to accomplish the next and just cry. Trying to maintain it all was just too much for me to handle. I wish there were answers or suggestions which would make these situations better, but we all work very differently so what one finds relief and happiness within, another may not.

Building relationships with others was very difficult for me too, although this was mainly because of my attitudes and not others. My negativity was definitely a repellent (hahaha). Even now building friendships is very difficult. Often times I perceive them to require more giving than receiving. When push comes to shove I know who is there when my life is falling apart and who is there to encourage me to be better or even just to support my endeavors. In realizing these aspects, I see there is more equality than there appears to be on paper. The giving and taking are just as different as the friendships I have discovered.

Well pretty lady, I wish you the best. I enjoy reading your candid blog posts, they are inspiring, especially for someone who has difficulty in this arena. I will say he best advice I received was happiness (unfortunately, hehehe). It’s not an all encompassing happines, but a happiness within the self, even when you are alone, even when you are frustrated, and when things are not going well. Inner happiness and self efficacy are the main ingredients to overcome obstacles and seeing through a new least in my experience.

carrieR said...

I totally have the same feelings you do about being a SAHM. I think most of us do. If I got the choice to go back to work tomorrow, though, I wouldn't do it. Because I did the working mom thing too, for 2 years I continued my teaching job because I was afraid I would hate being a SAHM. And some days, I do hate it. I've never done so much housework in my life!! When you work, your kids are in daycare and the house doesn't see the kind of wear it sees when you're home all day.

Hang in there! Go to the library! I always meet people there, and our library has fantastic kids programs.

Valeta said...

I love the library. I just find it frustrating to take the kids there. Ours doesn't have programs for all ages. Its either under 3 or older and I have 3 kids all different ages. And our library has 6 computers in the children's section and my kids only want to play with them instead of looking at books. At home I read them books every day.