Today I had a play date for the kids at a friend of mine's house. We were chatting and sharing like girls like to do.
I felt safe enough to admit something I have NEVER EVER EVER told another soul. That I can remember. I And she is getting a degree in psychology and totally great responses. I have had negative experience sharing with other women in the past. She wasn't negative. She was understanding and supportive. I cried. Someone gets it. For once.
I was molested and raped from a very early age. So, I was sexualized.
When I was 10, I molested my baby sitter's little sons. I don't remember the details or how old they were. But I remember making them go in the closet with me. To "play house."
I never ever wanted to admit it. I never wanted to tell anyone. Today for some reason it just came out. I have always felt guilty and ashamed. Why the fuck did I do that?
But in my private journals and in therapy, I have realized it wasn't my fault. I was a child. I didn't know what I was doing. It was so much a part of my life. I was used to it. So I did it.
I have had people say, "Just get over it." How the fuck am I supposed to get over something that changed me forever? Changed who I could of been? Sometimes the memories just pop in my head and I wish they would go away. I don't WANT to dwell on things. But they are there. They happened. They are life. Life is everything. Everything is happening in my head at the same time and I don't know how to stop from crying over how great a person I could have been, if only I was given a normal and loving family. Instead I was given drugs, hate, penises, beatings, tears. Fuck you god, if you do exist. Because if you create all things, why do you create bad things? Why can't it all be rainbows and unicorns? I LOVE RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS.
But here I am. Having gone through so much. And still (pretty much) whole. Able to love and support my kids. No drugs(well, except for zoloft.). No alcohol(except for recreational purposes). Sometimes I yell and cry and don't know what the hell I am doing. But most of the time I am pretty normal.
And that is the Valeta Truth.