A lot of things came up yesterday in my meeting with a psychologist. Bearing my soul to a perfect stranger used to be easy to me. I would tell anyone, anything. But after recent events I find it hard to trust anyone. After the meeting I felt kind of like a fish after it has been gutted. I was anxious all day after the meeting.
I told her about my mom and dad. I realized I have no perception of what a real mom and dad are supposed to be like. I was watching the duggars on TLC the other night and watching Jim Bob being a wonderful father to his daughters, I was jealous of his daughters. Why didn't I have a loving father? No father-daughter camp-outs for me. The occasional call or strange sporadic visit was all I got from my dad. Then I looked over on the couch next to me to see Lily on Husbandface's lap dozing and hugging him tightly. He whispers little lullabies in her ear. She is such a lucky girl, to have such a great daddy.
My husband has no real perception of what a real mom is like. His mom died when he was 4. His older sister and dad's girlfriends were his female role-models. Luckily, he has a great sister. So here we are me with no dad experience, him with no mom experience, trying to be parents. I think we make a good team. We have our moments where things are not perfect.
One of the reasons I think I feel so sad now is because I have a happy life. There is no worrying about money or abuse. So now my mind cannot relax because it is letting all the things that happened to me in my childhood flood back and bother me. I've tried to do the whole "happiness is a choice" thing. It is not working.