Thursday, July 09, 2009

A lot of things came up yesterday in my meeting with a psychologist. Bearing my soul to a perfect stranger used to be easy to me. I would tell anyone, anything. But after recent events I find it hard to trust anyone. After the meeting I felt kind of like a fish after it has been gutted. I was anxious all day after the meeting.

I told her about my mom and dad. I realized I have no perception of what a real mom and dad are supposed to be like. I was watching the duggars on TLC the other night and watching Jim Bob being a wonderful father to his daughters, I was jealous of his daughters. Why didn't I have a loving father? No father-daughter camp-outs for me. The occasional call or strange sporadic visit was all I got from my dad. Then I looked over on the couch next to me to see Lily on Husbandface's lap dozing and hugging him tightly. He whispers little lullabies in her ear. She is such a lucky girl, to have such a great daddy.

My husband has no real perception of what a real mom is like. His mom died when he was 4. His older sister and dad's girlfriends were his female role-models. Luckily, he has a great sister. So here we are me with no dad experience, him with no mom experience, trying to be parents. I think we make a good team. We have our moments where things are not perfect.

One of the reasons I think I feel so sad now is because I have a happy life. There is no worrying about money or abuse. So now my mind cannot relax because it is letting all the things that happened to me in my childhood flood back and bother me. I've tried to do the whole "happiness is a choice" thing. It is not working.


Andrea said...

It's great that you went and talked to someone, even if it was hard. It just proves that you are a good mom, that you can do things that are uncomfortable for their benefit. You are trying to be healthy for them. :-)

You are doing a great job of being a mother! And it sounds like Kevin is a great dad. :-) The image of him with Lily is so sweet!

I had a happy childhood, but I still do not want to model my own family after the one I grew up in. There was too much immaturity, negativity, and favoritism going on. My parents were never a team, they weren't even friends. I'm grateful to them though and like I said, I did have a happy childhood, but it still freaks me out to think that I might behave the same way around my kids or that Matt and I might ever be like that. I think all we can do is be what we know is right, not what we saw modeled for us everyday as children. You're doing a good job, keep it up!

Valeta said...

I don't think there is a such thing as a "perfect" childhood. I think we all (as parents) just try to do our best. Everyone probably has things about their own childhood that they do not want their children experiencing.