I don't know how you do it.

I get told this a few times a week. Sometimes once a day. "Four kids! I don't know how you do it!" Well, I'm not sure either. I've had four kids for five months and we are all still alive. I'd call that a victory.

"How do you make dinner?" An extremely rude new person at play group once asked me. She asked me this as I smiled down at my angel Iris. I wanted to ask her the same. The answer is - I just do. I figure it out.

When Iris was new I'd put her in the Moby or the swing or have someone hold her. I don't always have someone around to hold her. I figure it out. Dinner gets made. I buy a lot of frozen veggies that steam in their own package. Dinner gets eaten in 1/4 of the time it takes me to prepare it. Sometimes not eaten at all.

Sometimes, well a lot of the times, I feel overwhelmed. But I'm treasuring every moment I get with these kids. These kids who came from my body. Who all look a little bit like me. Who are all smart, funny, beautiful and caring. Who I love more then anything.

I don't know how I do it. I just do.

Disneyland and death

We took Eric and Lily to Disneyland for their 4th birthdays. So we wanted to take Gamma for his. We booked hotels and paid for flights. I love Disneyland. I counted down the days until it was the day we would go. We were to leave the day after Gamma's birthday. I planned a small family gathering on his actual birthday. Our bags were packed. I thought we were all ready. I thought it would be the best week ever.

Then we woke up the morning of my Gamma's fourth birthday. I had many missed called and text messages. My husband's father had passed away. That day. On my third baby's fourth birthday.

Husband and I were devastated. We both cried. We could hear the three older kids playing and laughing in the playroom down the hall. He said he didn't want to ruin Gamma's birthday. He didn't want them to know yet. He decided we'd tell them after Disneyland. My father-in-law would have wanted them to have a fun trip.

So I put on my best happy mom face. I made a silly minecraft cake. I got happy balloons for my boy. We sang him happy birthday. We gave him presents. He had a fun day. We cried again after all the kids were in bed.

We put our sorrow on hold. We got up at 3 a.m. the next day. We went to Disney land. We smiled and ate junk food. We saw shows. We had fun.

Then we flew from California to Ohio to attend the funeral. During our layover in the crappy Denver airport we told the kids. They cried. We held them and comforted them as best as we could.

We attended the funeral. The service was really nice. He had been sick for a few years so this wasn't completely unexpected. We saw our Ohio family. We came home the next day. We will all miss him for the rest of our lives.

That was a week ago and I am still exhausted. I can honestly say this was the worse trip to Disneyland, I've ever taken. I think the kids still had a great time. I took 100 happy pictures. I hope that this does not ruin Gamma's special day for the rest of his life.

Every life is important. Every death is a loss. With each loss we learn more. Never take for granted annoying calls from your father-in-law. He might not be around to call you for long.

Coming out Vanilla

So. Yeah. Next month I will have been married to my husbandface for 7 years. And our relationship is better then its ever been.

I was sitting with a group of friends who were talking about sexual experiences. And this is when I realized I've become Vanilla. I enjoy my vanilla relationship with my husband. It is wonderful and enough for me. I am fulfilled by what I have.

I used to feel the need to over-share some crazy things I did as a teenager. I enjoyed shocking people. I honestly no longer feel that need. Have I just grown up? I don't know. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed of my experiences, I just no longer feel the need to shout it to the world that I was once a stripper. Or that I've had threesomes. Or that a girl once broke my heart.

On national coming-out day I had some friends come out at bisexual. Although I have identified as bisexual since I was 16, I feel no need to "come out." People close to me know or should know. My family on Facebook? Don't need to know. Because I am currently in a monogamous hetero relationship. This doesn't make me any less bi. It just means I fell in love with a man and decided to marry and have a family with him. I think this could have just as easily have happened with a woman.  I'm still attracted to women all the time. And men. But I'm in a committed relationship so I just enjoy the view. Haha.

My point is - I've become "vanilla." And you know what? I'm really really happy with it. I never thought I would be. I am.

Friday night

I love Fridays. They mean no alarm in true morning. They mean tea and cuddles with my husband. They mean no homework for the kids.

I stood in my master bath looking down at my baby who was laying on her blooming bath on the floor when the other three children ran in. Giggling and tickling. Talking and smiling. They all laid next to her and took turns hugging her. They all love her and each other so much.

I looked down at my children and felt happy. The kind of happy that can light up the whole room. I wanted to hug and kiss them forever.

But then that happy moment ended. They ran off to tell daddy something. He reminded them to brush their teeth and get in bed. Then he walked over amend kissed me. And I said nothing. I only smiled.

Life is made up of many moments. It's the important moments that you keep in your memory and heart that matter.

Sure, the kids argued and yelled after school. Sure, Eric is grounded for not doing his reading log. Sure, sad things happened. But this one happy Friday night makes all the terrible awful sad worth living through.

Resolutions

Like most people I usually make new year resolutions at the beginning of every year. And like most people after January I forget them. So this year, I've decided not to have any. Not really.

I just plan to survive this year. Be alive. Hug my babies every day. Be myself. Be present. Stay off Facebook more. Smile more. Laugh more. Make pretty things. Learn things. Kiss my husband more. Not get pregnant. Watch things that are awesome. Let my children know how much I value there existence. (Which is an awful lot.)

I guess that could be a list of resolutions - if it was not just a list of things I should be doing anyway.

2013

Dear Internet,

It is a new year. I want to start fresh and new. Instead, this year is beginning roughly. I've been sick.  Then my baby was sick. My husband recovering from a vasectomy. My house is still in a state of chaos.

Being stuck in bed with an achy body and head has given me a lot of time to think. And be so thankful for what I do have. A warm bed to rest in. A nice house to keep my children in. A giant bathtub and warm water.

More so then ever before I am happy with myself. With my own company. I'm pretty awesome, ya know. No one is like me.

My mom tells me I am a weirdo. Well I like my weirdoness.

I find it overwhelming when I try to be "normal." Instead my goal is to just be myself. What the hell is "normal" anyway?

Hug those babies

I want to grab all the kids everywhere and hug them tight. I want to protect them all and keep them safe from the world.

The world is not a safe place. Not anywhere. Not in movie theaters. Not in schools. Not mall play areas.

Terrible things happen to good people. I think all of us are good people on the inside but sometimes we get lost.

Tonight my little kids have no idea. They do not know there are people who will drive to a school and kill innocent children. They do not know about the millions who die everyday in tragedy around the world.

They are spilling popcorn on the floor in front of their frustrated mother. They are watching Disney movies and dreaming of happy endings. And I hope they can stay this way for a little while.

Im hugging them tight and ignoring my messy house. The world is a scary place. At least we have each other.