Thursday, September 25, 2014

Divorce

I wipe the fairy white quartz counters that it took us ages to agree on. The ones I had my heart set on. I realize there is no longer an "us." The counters I thought were completely mine. They will now be staying in his house. The counters in my new house are grey and not as pretty.

I hear the kids laughing and playing together joyfully, hoping I will continue to sometimes hear that sound once we've told them. Once we've shattered everything they know in life. Siblings and children are for life - even if a marriage is not.

Tears stream down my face for the tenth time today. I wonder how my life turned into this. Where did I go so wrong? Why did I not see it coming?

Husbandface, my husbandface is divorcing me. How long can I call him husbandface? Until the day we are officially divorced? He told me to call him by his name. I am starting to really hate his name.

I have moved into the office of our dream home. My choice - he offered to move out of our bedroom first. I hate his bed so I chose a couch. My back does not like this decision I have made.

My mind goes back to every move or word I have made in the past nine years to wonder which moves or words have ruined my whole life. My husbandface, whom I thought would always be there for me - is not. He is not mine. He is his own. He has chosen a single life rather then a life shared with erratic Valeta moods. As angry and hurt and devastated as I am I cannot blame him. My moods have never been constant. My heart is shattered.

Depression is once again my only friend. He takes me in his arms and cackles as I am surrounded by dark storm clouds.

Do not worry my dear internets, I am taking care of Valeta. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have real friends too. Spending time with me and making me laugh. And as always I have my tiny loves.

Tiny loves I feel I have let down. This is real life though and as always I am trying my best. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Depression of this Summer

Yesterday Robin Williams hung himself. A man who brought so much laughter to our planet. It has caused what seems like the entire internet to cry. It has made me cry. I can't imagine what his family might be going through, and in the spotlight. If he can't get through depression, what chance do I have?

It really really has made me think. Think about depression. About what he might have been going through. About what I am going through. We are all going through something. Some of us just cannot deal with it as well as others. 

I haven't really blogged all summer because this summer has been absolute shit. I did some stupid stuff and I lost friends. I am often socially awkward and just say the wrong damn thing. It happens all the time. I am a very honest person but I do tend to exaggerate everything. Then other friends decided to drift away as well. Then the person who I really thought I could trust flat out lied to me and expected me to be happy about the thing she lied about. I felt betrayed. She has apologized but I do not trust a word she says. How could I? She is a damn liar. 

The day I turned 30 none of the people that I thought were my best friends called or texted me. My mother did not call me. My grandmother did not call me. Why did I not call them? What kind of asshole calls people just to be told happy birthday? I was trying not to be an egocentric asshole. But I was so alone. I thought of all the ways I could kill myself. I imagined slicing my wrists in my bathtub. I imagined taking a bunch of pills during the baby's naptime. I imagined hanging myself off the balcony. I wondered what my body would look like dead. But then one of my three children who are at home would come up and hug me. 

I could never do that to them. As much as I hate myself and don't understand why I am on this earth - they need me. I suppose I am on this earth for them. And for this I am extremely thankful. When I posted a thank you on facebook to the one person who did call me, my ex was so mean to me. What the hell did I do to make everyone hate me and people be mean to me on my own birthday? Does anyone really deserve that? I don't think so. 

Anyway, I did end up having a good birthday weekend and making a really good friend. For those two days I was happy. 

Then this whole Robin Williams thing happens and I am torn up again. For his family and every one. I am so angry that depression exists. I am so angry for him. I am so angry for me and my children. The one thing I would tell people is to please be kind to other people - you never know what is going on behind their eyes. 

Fuck depression.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Sumer 2014 so far

I have a moment to sit down and blog. The baby is napping and the two middles are playing minecraft.

Technically, Summer has only been around for 5 days. The past week has been crap for me. I couldn't wait to sleep in and have days with nothing planned. The kids have been super bratty. The baby has been so needy. Husband has been so grumpy. Don't they know it is the best season, SUMMER!

Vacation in two weeks and it cannot come fast enough! We are going on an Epic road trip for three weeks. It should be an adventure.

I have noticed something lately with my adult friends. I have felt a lot of rejection. I have invited people out. I have invited people over. And the answer is always no. I am sure friends are not intentionally making me feel like this. I just just can't help but wonder what I am doing wrong.

The fact is - I can only take so much rejection. Then I assume we are no longer friends. And it sucks. Blah.

So that's where I am the last week. Missing my oldest child while he is at his bio dad's house. And a little lonely most days.

Today I made 9 jars of strawberry jam. Tomorrow I can see if my first attempt at canning worked. I hope it did. I need a summer filled with strawberry jam. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Tomorrow is the last day of school

My children and I have survived another public school year. I am thankful. Their brains are fuller. I am so relived I don't have to be at the bus stop at a certain time everyday for two months. We can have pajama days. We can relax a little. I know I should be dreading the children in the house fighting all day but I am not. I can deal with a little drama if it means I can be lazier for a little while.

 I am sad that Eric leaves to see his bio dad. He has a new baby brother over there and is SO excited to go meet him. I am happy for him. I am genuinely happy for my ex. Babies are miracles. Brothers are magical. Families are forever. <3 p="">
Three weeks until we leave on an EPIC road trip vacation. 7 weeks until I turn 30. And Lily turns 7. 4 months until Iris turns 2.

My vlog is going well. It makes me happy to look back on 5 minute videos of our lives.

I am happy. 

Monday, May 12, 2014

Mother's day 2014

Mother's day has always been difficult for my husband. He lost his mother at a very young age. He missed her every mother's day since then. Some years at school they made him make a mother's day craft anyway. As I showed him the video of our first daughter's first grade class singing mother's day songs he had a sad look in his eyes. He never got to experience that.

He didn't get me a card. Or even say "Happy Mother's day!" to me. And that is okay. I am not his mother.

The four little people whose mother I am made my mother's day special. There were hugs and kisses. Poems and songs. My eleven year old made me his first ever cup of coffee.

While I got no flowers or candy, I did get to take a nap. Husband went grocery shopping for me. (I HATE grocery shopping.)

I tried something new for dinner and no one complained. The kids even liked it! (One pot chicken lo mein from Pinterest FTW.)

I got myself a new food processor the week before and splurged on the good one and claimed it was my mother's day present. We needed one and I love it so much.

My mother's day was special. My mother's day was fantastic. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Dumb things Valeta did the first month of living in her dream home:

Scrub a spot on the floor for five minutes before realizing it was a design in the tile.

Take a shower in view of a group of construction workers

Lose the baby

Lose the baby again

Fall down the stairs

Put things meant to go in the fridge in the freezer

Lock herself out of her dream home

Put thinks meant to be refrigerated in the pantry

Put too much detergent in the washing machine

Lose a pair of boots

Lose the baby's shoes

Lose a vlogging camera


(So, just a normal month, really.)

Sunday, February 09, 2014

I am exhausted.

I am exhausted. That is not a complaint. That is a fact. I'm sitting in my bed, utterly exhausted.

Today was another normal yet amazing day. My baby danced and giggled. My preschooler laughed his loud belly laugh at something I did not witness. My first grader helped me pack her room. My fifth grader waved his arms around in giant circles making me laugh. They all talked to me today.

There were times I was frustrated. There were times when some of them cried. There was a lot of poop. There were messes that needed cleaning.

But I sit here, in my bed, utterly and completely exhausted and content.

Thank you life, for being what you are.